How To Throw Your Dog

You may not have known this, but dogs like to be thrown. There must be something in their natural instincts, in the same way that they eat vomit or turn in circles before they lie down, that makes them crave bodily catapultion at regular intervals. And you know what, who am I to judge? I just give the little buggers what they want.

So here's my little guide to properly throwing your dog.

Step #1: The Interception

Unfortunately, your dog may not know at first that it wants to be thrown. Therefore it is up to you to make it realize how much fun it can be. So be sure to creep up and pounce on the pup when it least expects it. This move must be especially stealthy, as dogs are known for their agility and unwillingness to be man-handled.

Step #2: The Lure

In order to loosen up a throw-virgin, pretend you're going to play with them like normal. Grab a stick or squeeze a squeaky ball - anything to get its mind off the fact that you are about to hurl its poor body through the air.

Step #3: The Launch

So this is the moment of reckoning when all our training comes to a head, like a beer or a pimple. Well, quaff that shit and pop that sonofabitch. Go grab your dog like a sack of potatoes, with one hand under its butt and the other around its fore legs, and heave it forward. If you've calculated correctly, pups will go airborne.

So hopefully you've learned something today, my young pilot. But be forewarned - this technnique is not to be trifled with. Only the truly gifted can master the art of canine careening. However, with enough practice and training, I have full confidence that you'll be throwing dogs with the best of them. Godspeed.

Disclaimer: It is still unclear whether dogs like to be thrown or not, so, until more facts come in about dogs and their varied interests, we probably shouldn't throw them. But whatever. Here's some more pictures that look like I'm throwing my dog.