Marine Fights off Lion with Chainsaw

When Dustin Britton found himself face-to-face with a man-eating mountain lion, he did what any self-respecting man would do in this situation: he tried to kill it with a chainsaw.

While camping in Montana with his wife and two young children, Britton was chopping wood when he spotted a starving mountain lion eyeing him from the brush. So when the lion pounced, he revved his saw and struck it in the shoulder. Still, it didn't have the impact he hoped.

"You would think if you hit an animal with a chain saw it would dig right in," he said between cigar puffs, chuckling in his wife-beater. "I might as well have hit it with a hockey stick."

That's right. This man is so manly that the only way he knows how to describe a lion attack is to compare it with sports.

How To Throw Your Dog

You may not have known this, but dogs like to be thrown. There must be something in their natural instincts, in the same way that they eat vomit or turn in circles before they lie down, that makes them crave bodily catapultion at regular intervals. And you know what, who am I to judge? I just give the little buggers what they want.

So here's my little guide to properly throwing your dog.

Step #1: The Interception

Unfortunately, your dog may not know at first that it wants to be thrown. Therefore it is up to you to make it realize how much fun it can be. So be sure to creep up and pounce on the pup when it least expects it. This move must be especially stealthy, as dogs are known for their agility and unwillingness to be man-handled.

Step #2: The Lure

In order to loosen up a throw-virgin, pretend you're going to play with them like normal. Grab a stick or squeeze a squeaky ball - anything to get its mind off the fact that you are about to hurl its poor body through the air.

Step #3: The Launch

So this is the moment of reckoning when all our training comes to a head, like a beer or a pimple. Well, quaff that shit and pop that sonofabitch. Go grab your dog like a sack of potatoes, with one hand under its butt and the other around its fore legs, and heave it forward. If you've calculated correctly, pups will go airborne.

So hopefully you've learned something today, my young pilot. But be forewarned - this technnique is not to be trifled with. Only the truly gifted can master the art of canine careening. However, with enough practice and training, I have full confidence that you'll be throwing dogs with the best of them. Godspeed.

Disclaimer: It is still unclear whether dogs like to be thrown or not, so, until more facts come in about dogs and their varied interests, we probably shouldn't throw them. But whatever. Here's some more pictures that look like I'm throwing my dog.

Tatiana: Empress of Disaster

Here's a little tribute vid I've made to one of the most destructive forces mankind has ever known. Hopefully this offering goes a little way to appeasing the beast.

Amadou et Mariam

There's something to be said for comfort zones. We fall in them like large animals fall into tar: slowly at first, as if nothing's wrong, but by the time it hits our breathing holes we're too far gone to ever pull ourselves out of it. Well, fuck that I say. Try something different before you suffocate.

Here's two blind singers from Mali.

1998 Elke Pinot Noir (My Fair Lady)

Let me wine and dine thine inner twine,
Like a blind mime that's short on time.

But a better sketch of the line
Between what's yours and mine,
Is this kind of limp lime rhyme
That brews in foul brine crime.

Entr'acte

Holiday Playlist

Merry Christmas ya'll. Here are some melodies I put together that evoke the merciless, unforgiving spirit of the holidays. Enjoy.

These shoes were made for walking...

In case you hadn't heard, Mr. Barack Obama is going to be our next president. On the night of the election one of his staff took a bunch of candid, behind-the-scenes pictures. I think this is the best one:



Momma always said you could tell a lot about a person by the shoes they're wearing. In that case, Obama seems to have a lot more experience than people give him credit for.